Wednesday, September 22, 2010

The Song Remembers...

We all have a song that takes us back.  Some take us back to good times, our first love, our baby's birth, our wedding.  I had one take me back to a really dark place today.

I got in the van and my usual station, the wonderfully uplifting K-Love was off the air for some reason.  I flipped to the country station and it was a "this day in history" moment and the song they played was from 20 years ago.

Twenty years ago, I had just turned 16.  I was a miserable wreck.  I thrived on drama and I hurt a lot of people. I didn't really mean to hurt people, I was just so used to chaos in my home life that I tended to create it outside of my home.  I let people use me and take advantage of me and if someone came to me with absolutely no agenda, I used them.  I would gossip and spread lies any time I thought someone I knew was happy.  I hated happiness, at least it felt like I did.  I hated love, at least I thought I did.  I hated those who loved me, and desperately sought love from those who couldn't provide it.

Of course, when I was 16 I didn't realize any of this.  That took years of therapy!  Years to realize that chaos had become a comfortable blanket, years to realize that I was being abused at home, years to realize that I didn't really hate happiness and love; I just craved it and was insanely jealous of anyone who had either.

God healed that girl, and I see very little of her when I look in the mirror.  Today though, the images of all of the people I hurt flashed before me like a motion picture.  I started writing letters to every one of them in my head, but how would I ever do that?

Can I just say:

"I'm sorry for the turmoil I tried to create!"

"I was hurting and abused and never learned how to relate to people."

"Forgive me, for trying to cause you pain."

"I'm so sorry I used you, when you really cared about me."

I guess I kind of just did!


  1. Your last line? I was thinking the same thing! I find it therapeutic and freeing to write a letter to someone, even if they'll never read it.

    I'm glad you were healed and you feel better. It's tough work carrying around years of guilt and regrets. Good work!

  2. Big hugs to you. God opens our eyes in sooo many ways. I look back periodically and am so grateful our Savior forgives and forgets. Love ya girl! Valerie

  3. God is good! He brought you out of a dark, lonely place and gave you lots of people to love and who love you. You've come a long way and I'm glad to call you my friend! And who knows, maybe one day we'll actually meet face to face!


I love hearing what you think, and honestly sometimes I need the encouragement.