We all have a song that takes us back. Some take us back to good times, our first love, our baby's birth, our wedding. I had one take me back to a really dark place today.
I got in the van and my usual station, the wonderfully uplifting K-Love was off the air for some reason. I flipped to the country station and it was a "this day in history" moment and the song they played was from 20 years ago.
Twenty years ago, I had just turned 16. I was a miserable wreck. I thrived on drama and I hurt a lot of people. I didn't really mean to hurt people, I was just so used to chaos in my home life that I tended to create it outside of my home. I let people use me and take advantage of me and if someone came to me with absolutely no agenda, I used them. I would gossip and spread lies any time I thought someone I knew was happy. I hated happiness, at least it felt like I did. I hated love, at least I thought I did. I hated those who loved me, and desperately sought love from those who couldn't provide it.
Of course, when I was 16 I didn't realize any of this. That took years of therapy! Years to realize that chaos had become a comfortable blanket, years to realize that I was being abused at home, years to realize that I didn't really hate happiness and love; I just craved it and was insanely jealous of anyone who had either.
God healed that girl, and I see very little of her when I look in the mirror. Today though, the images of all of the people I hurt flashed before me like a motion picture. I started writing letters to every one of them in my head, but how would I ever do that?
Can I just say:
"I'm sorry for the turmoil I tried to create!"
"I was hurting and abused and never learned how to relate to people."
"Forgive me, for trying to cause you pain."
"I'm so sorry I used you, when you really cared about me."
I guess I kind of just did!
Your last line? I was thinking the same thing! I find it therapeutic and freeing to write a letter to someone, even if they'll never read it.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you were healed and you feel better. It's tough work carrying around years of guilt and regrets. Good work!
*HUGS*
Big hugs to you. God opens our eyes in sooo many ways. I look back periodically and am so grateful our Savior forgives and forgets. Love ya girl! Valerie
ReplyDeleteGod is good! He brought you out of a dark, lonely place and gave you lots of people to love and who love you. You've come a long way and I'm glad to call you my friend! And who knows, maybe one day we'll actually meet face to face!
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